Don't Stop The Steal

Theft is property, property is theft, we need more Robin Hood-style gentlemen jewelry thieves

This week, the New York Times interviewed Hasan Piker, who does the podcast “Kill The Kulaks With Hasan Piker.” He said he was “pro-piracy” and said he’d steal a car if he thought he could get away with it. Meanwhile, Jia Tolentino, New Yorker writer and half-daughter of Quentin Tarantino, said that she’s stolen organic lemons from her Brooklyn Whole Foods to give to a friend who didn’t have a lot of money, or lemons. The woman interviewing them while they sat on chairs that appear to be made out of cat fur agreed with Piker and Tolentino that crime needs to be cool again.

I’ve long been an advocate for Cool Crime, and have committed my share of them. I cannot count how many times I’ve slipped a box of Peppermint Jo-Jos into my waistband slacks during the holiday rush at the Mount Winchester Trader Joe’s. Could I afford the cookies? Of course. I’m unimaginably wealthy, especially for a writer, because my family bought the mineral rights to South America before I was born. As a person of wealth myself, I know how privileged the wealthy can be, which is which I recommend stealing from their stores.

In the past 20 years alone, I’ve pilfered scarves from Bloomingdales, Frango Mints from Marshall Field’s, and some wax from a RonJon surf shop (I was in the mood). On one memorable occasion, I drove away from a dealership in a Porsche 911 after telling them my name was “Jonathan Lethem.” I sped that car up the New England coast to Bar Harbor, took a cab to the airport, and jetted home, leaving no evidence of my thievery other than a calling card that said “You Got Got By A Gentleman Thief”

Like Robin Hood, Hasan Piker and Jia Tolentino steal from the rich to give to the poor. Only in this case, for the most part, they steal from the rich and give to themselves. Like baseball and tennis, it’s a sport and a pastime. We need more generous gentlemen and gentlewomen thieves. Everyone should try it. Why not pilfer some wiper blades from Mieneke’s Discount Mufflers? Abscond with that extra broccolini at Sprouts. Monster can afford to lose a few energy drinks on the ledger, and 7-11 certainly can. It will be a magical adventure of sticking it to the man. If the security cameras catch you and you end up arrested, I’m sure Piker and Tolentino will lend you their lawyer’s number. Claim you were part of an anti-capitalist revolt. The courts love that stuff.

My lawyer can’t help you. He’s on a secret retainer and works only for me. But I’ll be right here, on Substack, supporting you with my prose. As the great Robbie Dupree once sang: Steal away. Why don’t you steal away? Into the night.