Noem Alone

Changes come to Homeland Security at last, but we still live in an authoritarian police state

March 6, 2026

President Trump has relieved Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem of her duties, causing millions of permanently-online knowledge workers to simultaneously explode in an orgiastic frenzy on social media. We’ve been waiting a long time for this. Noem marked her ill-begotten tenure at DHS with a frenzy of corruption and murder, leading to the deaths of two Minnesota NPR listeners and the deportation of 600 innocent grandmas who were just trying to take the bus to a museum while on vacation.

Noem, who once shot a dog in Reno just to watch him die, could seemingly do no wrong in Trump’s eyes. She was fond of wearing costumes during her tenure. She dressed as a sheriff, as a cowboy, as a Navy SEAL, and, in one bizarre incident, as a “sexy nurse cat” during a Halloween ICE raid In East Los Angeles.

None of that bothered Trump, who has his own problems, until Congress held DHS funding hearings this week. Senator Mel Tillis (R-NC), excoriated Noem for attempting to sell fraudulent life-insurance packages to North Carolina flood victims while simultaneously attending a “security conference” at Sandals resort in Jamaica. Senator John Kennedy (no F) of Louisiana called Noem as “bloodthirsty as a deer tick in mating season” while pointing out that she spent $200 million of taxpayer money so she could have sex with a horse on a luxury airplane. That was a bridge too far for the President, whose motto is “never let ‘em see you sweat.”

Throughout her tenure, or at least toward the end when people were paying attention, rumors dogged Noem that she was having an affair with Trump surrogate Corey Lewandowski, known in Washington circles as “the linen soiler.” Then there were the expensive ads, aired on local TV, where she urged people to call her 1-800 number if they got into a car accident with an illegal immigrant. “I don’t get paid until we deport them,” she said.

Noem was giving a speech touting her accomplishments as Trump gave her the ax on Thursday, but seemingly wasn’t aware of her firing. Gleeful liberals pointed at their screen and said “HA-HA!’ like Nelson Muntz on the Simpsons. Then her speech ended, a trap door opened in the floor, and Noem fell through, never to be seen again.

Trump has announced Noem’s “replacement,” though keep in mind that the replacement needs to go through Congressional hearings and also meet the approval of online political pundits. That replacement is Oklahoma Senator Marquane Mullins, a member of the Cherokee nation, who was raised by coyotes after falling from a wagon and has ridden a cyclone. Dynamite is his favorite food, he uses a rattlesnake as a lasso, and he once dug the Rio Grande river so his girlfriend, Slue-Foot Sue, could ride a giant catfish down its rapids. He’s quite a character, but whether or not he continues to illegally deport millions of immigrants who are here illegally remains to be seen.